Turn a Confrontation Into a Clearfrontation

Dear Thank You for Not Wasting My Time,

I hate confrontation. But this person at work is driving me nuts. What can I do? 

Signed,

Confrontation-Averse 

Dear Confrontation-Averse,

Ohhhh, we have all been there. You spend time thinking about a person you don’t really even want in your life. What you could say. What you should say. What you’re going to say. How you didn’t say what you were going to say. What they said. What you could have said. What you’ll say the next time. Then when it's next time the anger is so intense, it's hard to say something.

No wonder you don’t want a confrontation. It means having a big angry fight. 

Or does it??

With a confrontation it’s hard to know whether it’ll get solved or be a threatening stand-off. That’s why I’d like to save you time and introduce to you… The Clearfrontation! 

A Clearfrontation will save you time by releasing the hold of this toxic tie-up and get it solved already. Begone dreaded confrontation, welcome authentic Clearfrontation.

A Clearfrontation isn’t all or nothing. It’s not a head-to-head fight. In a Clearfrontation, your goal is simply to make clear what you want. 

That’s right! You don’t have to suddenly become an aggressive, silver-tongued fighter in order to communicate a preference. It can be said in your own way!

Shari lived with relatives and the airconditioner in her room was broken. It was a horribly hot summer. Her relatives were financially secure so that wasn’t the problem. What was? She said she felt bad asking. So she spent night after night not sleeping well. It was wearing her down.

She flipped the idea of a confrontation to a clearfrontation, embraced her own style, and started with, “I feel bad saying this, but the airconditioner is broken and I’m not sleeping.” They got it fixed. She'd spent so much time suffering.  

Now, look. Sometimes it doesn’t go that smoothly and the other person is unreasonable, feels attacked, and snaps back in a defensive way. Just remember the goal is to be clear with what you want so they’re aware of it. Even if they don’t agree in the moment, they’ll know - that you know - that they know - that you know - what it is you want. 

The best time is to do it in the moment. If it keeps sideswiping you and the moment passes by, you can have a Clearfrontation Conversation. 

The hardest part of a Clearfrontation Conversation is trusting that you’ll say what you need to say. 

Put on this frame-of-mind hat: They might not even know they did something that bugged you. So, you’re letting them know. Assume there was a miscommunication. 

The second hardest part of a Clearfrontation Conversation is starting. Let’s take care of that.

Here are some openers:

• “There’s something on my mind…” 

• “I need to have an awkward conversation with you…”

• “You might not know this is happening but…” 

• “I feel bad saying this but…” 

• “I don’t want to waste either of our time so I need to let you know…” 

• “Got a minute?”

• “There’s something you might not know about me…”

• “I have this preference…”

• “This might sound weird but”

• “I don’t expect to say this in the right way, but…”

• “I feel like I should tell you what I’ve been thinking about.”

• “There’s something I don’t want to be between us.”

• “I wanted to connect about something.”

• “I want to save us both time by connecting about what’s been going on.”

• “I respect you so I want to talk to you about something.”

  
  

Mix and match the above as desired!

Do not, I repeat, do not, I repeat do not, do not have a Clearfrontation over text or email. It can easily be misread and backfire. Not to mention, (okay, I’m mentioning) it can be shared with anyone, forever.

Clearfrontations are best when they’re done in person or at least over the phone so you can hear each other’s tone and inflection. Ideally a respectful, reasonable inflection. Questions can be asked and answered in that moment. A miscommunication can get cleared up quickly.

No, adding emojis to a text doesn’t do the trick. Connect.

Clearfrontation alert! Don’t let these responses from the other person distract you from what it is you want.

They might say:

• “You’re making a big deal.”

• “You’re so sensitive.”

• “You’re taking it too seriously.” 

• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  
  

Don’t get sidetracked by that.

If the person is reasonable, you can explain why it’s your preference and listen to their situation. If they’re unreasonable, just restate your preference so it’s clear and thank them for their time.

You can even say: “It's a big deal to me" or "I know this isn’t everybody’s preference, but it’s mine.” 

If the person is just too toxic to deal with, turn your attention elsewhere and let them fade away from your life as much as possible. Even if that means buying squishy earplugs so you don't need to hear them talking.

Confrontations usually feel huge because it’s been going on for too long. You waited to say something because you wanted to make sure your complaint was justified, or didn’t know how to respond, or didn’t see it yet. You're always getting to know yourself, so you might not have been able to put it into words until now.

You still have the right to set a limit. You could even start with (2 bonus starters!):

• “It took me a while to figure out how to talk to you about this.” Or

• “I didn’t realize how much this was bothering me.” 

  
  

If a Clearfrontation is still too intimidating, consider that maybe it’s you telling yourself: “I'm making a big deal.” or “I don’t know what I'm talking about.”

If that’s you telling you, you have to honor that the problem has gone past your limit. 

To sum it on up, you don’t have to be aggressive to share your preferences.

1. Get clear on exactly what it is you want so it's not a general complaint that goes nowhere.

2. Honor it. Self-esteem is having the confidence that your feelings are valid. It’s being secure with your perception of things.

3. Communicate what you want in your own style.