Time-Proofing for Parents

Whenever people talked to me about time in relation to parenting they'd say one thing: "It goes so fast." That always bugged me. I didn't want to it to go too fast. Luckily, I figured something out. I'm about to share with you how to use the depth of time (yes, time is on the clock, but it also has depth) so you and your child(ren) can savor it together.

1. Children don't know what the heck time even is. 

We're so used to the concept of time, it's hard to remember that children don't know what time IS. They're new to the entire experience of time. Life is just a series of moments to them (which ironically is the thing we're always told to strive for as adults: "Be in the present!" They already are.) 

Children have no idea what you mean when you say morning, evening, or noon. They don't know what "we'll be late" means. The concept of "late" means nothing. “5 more minutes” could be an hour. “We’re going to eat soon” could mean “in a day” (so don't be surprised when they're hungry and keep crying.) And, it makes no sense to them why they’d have to stop doing something totally fun because you say, "It's time to go."

Of course, as a parent, you know time is part of life. There are certain things to do, and places to be, if you want to be in society - or if you're tired of making conversation with fellow-stranger-parents on the playground and just want to go home. And you're in charge of creating a general schedule with a sequence of events so your child has safety and security.

So just remember, they're not just learning how to tell time, they're learning how to experience it. It takes time to learn how to stop one thing and do something else, or "get ready" to go. Approach it respectfully by letting them know what the next plan is, even when they're little. I used to make up little songs before my kids knew words to let them know, like "We're going outside" (repeat 4 times to a rhythm), or the "Pants Pants Pants" song when we're about to put on pants.

At the same time, your own experience of time has changed. When you bring a baby home, it's go time. Adrenalin is heightened. No time to process the birth story. Along with the joy and deep love comes foggy lack-of-sleep. Hearing your baby cry is like an alarm, and for good reason - it's survival time. But it's high emotion, and urgent, whenever your baby's in distress. Trying to be present with friends or family while you're worrying about your baby - you're in two minds at once. There's Decision Fatigue. Worry Fatigue. You need time to yourself to regroup (your identity isn't what it was, so who are you now?). And! If you have a partner, there's that new dynamic.

It's a new time experience full of vulnerability and growth for everyone. It's supposed to be this way, but it's a scramble. Embrace the tenderness, adorableness, wonder, and your fears, as well as that awkwardness on the playground with other adults. (Or maybe that was just me?)

2. Validating how they feel saves time. (Emotions are timeless.)

They'll calm faster, learn to regulate themselves, be better off in the future, and you'll create connection if you validate how they feel. Even if you don't think what they're upset about is a big deal, emotions are ageless. We just feel them at a different intensities and for different reasons. You don't think it's a big deal to have to get out of the bathtub, and they don't think it's a big deal to get turned down for a job. We just have words for what we feel as grownups to express ourselves. They don't yet. Let them feel heard.

3. Giving them words to their emotions saves time.

Tantrums are either because they're hungry, tired, or because there are no words to describe the devastatingly deep disappointment they feel. Give them words they can match to their feelings.

I remember when I was a toddler, Batman wasn't on TV that day, and I could not understand why. I felt deeply disappointed, angry, and shocked. Children get upset when something they're enjoying or looking forward to is taken away because it's shocking. But think of it this way to stir up compassion: The intensity of how upset they get over little things is also the intensity of how happy they get over little things, They're invested in everything.

Your tone is so important here. It’s not a condescending “You’re angry.” It’s more like you’re in it with them. You sound calm but genuinely understanding like this: “I would be so mad too if my blocks fell. I understand. What should we do?”

4. Allow Time for Daily Transitions.

When it's time to leave something fun, tell them you understand it's hard to leave something fun - and then make it a simple game like "lets see how many giant steps it is to the door". "Let's put the toys away. Can you show me where this one goes? Does it go here or here?" Transitions are tough and rarely given time as an activity in themselves. When you make difficult time-changing things a game, they know you're in it with them, and it's not so dreadful to do. Next time you're watching TV and it's time to go to bed, notice how not-fun it feels. You get it.

And while we're talking about transitions, no need to rush it if they have separation anxiety.

They just don’t feel safe yet with the person, or people, on the other end. It takes time for them to experience that they're safe. They're new. Parents get so worried. Instead, appreciate that your child is observant. Being observant is a marvelous quality. Be there with them as much as you can and they'll gradually be ready. It'll come.

5. Treat your child the way you want to be treated.

As you probably know by now, Thank You for Not Wasting My Time isn't just a time-saver, it's a movement of respect. Treat your child the way you want to be treated. With respect and dignity. Phrases like "Are you ready?" Or, "Let me know when you're ready" are really helpful.

Take their questions seriously and answer them with kindness. If you don't know an answer, you can say: "I don't know. I wonder!" or "Good question." Or "I'm not sure. What do you think?" Never put down a question. If they make positive associations with curiosity, they'll take it into school and love to learn. 

Be trustworthy and reliable. Model that. Children only lie because they're afraid to tell you. Make a deal with your child early on. Say to them: “Honesty is so important to me. If you ever don’t want to tell me something, say this: ‘Don’t get mad, but.' and then tell me, and I'll know not to get mad. It's more important to me that you feel you can tell me anything." This will pay off right away and in teen years.

Never ever hit a child in any way or be physically aggressive with them. It’s you lacking control, not them. It causes them shame, confusion, fear, and humiliation - emotions that they will squash and explode with later in life - just like you're doing to them. It doesn't help them understand anything, so they make their decisions out of fear of you (or proving they're not afraid) instead of understanding in themselves what healthy choices to make.

In fact, if you look at the history of evil leaders and destructive people you know, the story of their childhood includes parents who hit and told them not to cry. (Want to change the world? Respect a child!) So if they've done something that doesn't align with your values, talk with them. Get to the root of the problem. The goal is understanding. Ask why they did what they did, what they thought and felt at the time, and guide them on how they can handle it the next time.  Children are born compassionate. Empathy is developed and needs to be nurtured. Empathy is a crucial ingredient in feeling grounded (instead of lost) and in making good choices because it's a foundation for connecting to others. It also helps memory because there's emotion connected to what they say.

A ps. to telling children not to cry: Demanding “Stop crying!” doesn't help anyone. Crying isn’t weak, it's the only way they can get stress out because they don't know the words yet. If you yell, it's because you’re overwhelmed and you need help. Pause, calm, and work on some emotional self-care. Don't yell just because you can.

When you're angry say: "I’m angry and I need to cool down." Then when you’ve cooled down say: "I’m cooled down." This shows kids that it’s okay to feel angry, that they can handle anger in a respectful way, and that it comes and goes. Then check in and ask if they know why you were angry so they don't think you're just unpredictable. If you overreacted, say: "Sorry I overreacted. I had big feelings about that." You’re modeling this so they understand it in themselves. And even though you're a parent, you're changing and growing too, and in this case modeling self-reflection, compassion, and change.

Everything you do is a model for how to be a human being. Bonus: Now with an adult's POV, you're also learning how to be your best self. 

Let them have the same range of feelings as you do. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a parent shouting at their child to "SMILE!" while they want to take a photo. First of all, who decided we could only appear happy in photos? Happy isn't the only emotion. Second, maybe your kid is tired from being dragged around a boring museum and has no reason to smile. Shouting at someone to smile doesn't inspire a smile.

Your tone of voice comes across emotionally. If you sound annoyed and frustrated constantly, it isn’t motivating and makes a person feel like they’re doing something wrong all the time - which will waste their time later in life as the voice in their heads. Use a tone that’s kind and clear. 

A reasonable tone you'd use with a good friend. 

6. Involve them in solving problems and making rules. 

You'll save time if you figure out where an argument started. Your goal with sibling arguments is to not pick a side, but model how to problem-solve. Ask where it started. Backtrack with them. When you figure out how it started that's when things calm, you can find out why, and that's where the solution lies. 

Supervise your kids coming up with an agreement that they both agree on. For example, ask them: "What do you both want to do when one of you gets a new toy? Does the other person get to play with it?" Let the ideas happen, and check that they both agree. Write it down! It will save you time the next time(s!) it happens.

If siblings are having trouble sharing, recognize that the first child didn’t have to practice sharing for the beginning of their lives, while the second child was born into sharing so actually has more practice. Have the first child practice sharing for short amounts of time to build less-stressful associations. In the meantime, put their yelling “Mine!” to good use by inviting them to divide the family laundry pile. 

7. Getting to know your child(ren) is time well spent. 

Ask questions and get to know your child. It's so much fun. You're seeing a human being develop and figure out the world. 

If they have something to share with you, ask them to tell you more about it. (Pronunciation, grammar, spelling, all that comes later and naturally from being around the language every day so no need to correct all the time. Just connect.)

Instead of knee-jerk reactions, get curious. For example, if they say something is unfair realize this: How great that your child is looking out for their individuality. We forget we grown ups care about fairness too - ask any grown up who gets cut in line at a store or finds out a co-worker is getting paid more. Again, same feelings, different reasons. Ask your child. 'What's unfair about it?" "What would make it fair?" Listen and talk about it.

Another example: If they say they don't want to go to school and you say, "Well, you have to!" that only makes it worse because they feel unheard, misunderstood, and alone in it. Instead, if you kindly ask, "Why?" They'll always tell you the reason. In my experience, it's one specific thing that you can help them solve, and it's a valid problem. If they're too young to know how to tell you, take guesses to help them say what's going on. You might be stressed taking time to talk because you're going to be late, but this investment of a few minutes is so worth it. Otherwise you'll be frustrated, they'll be more upset, that will make you much later, their problem will persist, and you'll spend more time feeling guilty instead of closer, connected, and proud of your parenting-self.

Parenting is a process of discovery. Lots of trial and error. What works? What doesn't work? For you and your child.

As they get older, remember grades in school are just an indication of whether they understand the material. If your child gets a grade you don't like or isn't doing well in school, there doesn't need to be any "punishment", there needs to be conversation. Is it a problem about learning how to organizing their time? Is the class or teacher not the right fit? (As Thank You for Not Wasting My Time often says, the right fit is a big part of life.) Is there specific material that doesn't make sense yet? Are they not sleeping enough? Get specific on the problem and guide them in solving it. Then check in with them until it changes with an attitude of support, not threat.

8. Slow down.

Slowing down sounds impossible. I know. When your kids are little especially, suddenly there's not enough time in the day, and you can't sleep when they sleep or nothing gets done. Plus, your schedule is now you times the amount of people in your household (but with no added minutes to the day!) 

It takes time to calm a child, clean up a mess, catch up to a running child, hold a child’s hand while they learn to walk on stairs. It takes time to reasonably break up a fight between siblings, plan a meal, make a meal, eat a meal, and clean up a meal. Add to that helping your child learn about themselves and the world, and you’ve got a new time experience.

At the same time, for you, everything's an urgent priority. There are too many things to juggle at once. It’s a sprint and a marathon at the same time. When my first child was an infant, I remember cleaning up a mess (sprint) as I wondered when I should start saving for college. (marathon). And then there's you and your life. 

As Thank You for Not Wasting My Time always reminds us, time is a guide. Which means time is supposed to be used differently now, and THAT means slowing down for the things that count. That includes working through strong emotions (see above), food, using the bathroom, running, playing, and wonder. And that goes for all ages.

9. Rest. Take micro-moments for yourself. 

You have to rest as you go. Emotionally. That means not being too hard on yourself. When my kids started sleeping through the night I got my first full night of sleep and I remember saying to myself during the day: That's what that fog was all about! Don't take hours of winding down at the end of the night like I did. If I could do it over again, I'd just plain ol' go to bed early.

Embrace the process. Running errands is no longer by yourself, zipping from store to store zooming toward completion. Completing an errand is only a by-product of the experience of being out in the world together with your child. If you have toddlers, running errands is more like: running after kids while trying to accomplish errands. 

Go from looking at what you accomplished each day, like you used to, to what you accomplished each week. 

Go from the errand being the accomplishment to your loving and patient emotional state being the accomplishment.

Don't do the thing where you're calm in public and then get home and yell. They're kids. It's exciting to be in a store with a million things to look at - and likely heard "no" a million of those times. When you get home, just take a moment to cool down and rest for a minute. You're just exhausted. Next time, before you go into a public place, tell them what you're going in to do and what you won't be doing. (When food shopping, let them pick a healthy-ish snack to eat while you shop. When I was a kid, that kept me busy and too full to ask for everything on the shelves.)

Try not to go beyond what you can handle, or you'll burn out and get angry at your child who will have no idea why you're mad. If they ask you to do one more thing with them, you say no, and they get upset, realize it's not because they don't appreciate what you've already done, it's because they do and it's been so great, of course they want more. Reassure them that you love them, love spending time with them, but that you need to rest for a minute, or two, or sixty.

You do need time to yourself too to regroup, so make sure there are people or activities (other than a phone or iPad) where they can be securely occupied. When you feel like you need time but truly don't have it, go inward and rest by taking nose breaths from the diaphragm, and saying: "I'm doing okay" to yourself.

10. Patience is exhausting. (But crucial.)

It takes a lot of emotional energy to be patient - time goes really slow when you are - but it's really a gift you're giving your child in moments when they're figuring something out, or practicing, like zipping a jacket or tying a shoe, or needing help with homework. 

That's why adding 15 minutes to every plan saves on stress and frustration when getting out the door, which takes a lot more thought and patience than anyone would expect. The more you’re in a rush, the slower everyone will seem to move, and if you get frustrated, it’ll frustrate your child even more. 

They also get distracted easily, not because they're not listening to you by choice, but because everything is fascinating and their senses are more real than the concept of time. With those extra 15 minutes, emotions will be calmer all around.

11. Our experience of time is different as an adult.

Let's take patience as an example. If it's tough for us, imagine how hard it is for kids. We teach children that they have to wait, without any guidance how to do it! We want them to sit as long as we do in a restaurant (but bodies are made to move), we want them to walk as much as we do at a museum (but they're smaller and get tired before we do.) If you're talking to a cashier at a store and they're antsy to go, give them a challenge to be occupied with when you need them to wait, like counting numbers or how many things are the color blue in the store, or playing with a toy. (*Not a screen. They need real life experience.) Their wanting to go is mostly because they're lower to the ground and not part of the action. You'd be antsy to go too if you were just watching people's legs.

12. Set them up for success: Emotional Associations. 

You create positive emotional associations when you praise their effort and progress, and this saves time. It helps them make positive associations with learning which means more confidence and less resistance. 

If you teach your child something, use encouragement. Teach with lots of patience and let them take over when they want to try themselves. Don't micromanage the learning. If you teach with control, annoyance, and/or disappointment, they’ll get discouraged over time or hate doing whatever it is when they get older. 

For example, let them help you cook or bake in small ways at first like stirring or pouring, and let them make mistakes. That will give them confidence to try it again and again until they can make meals on their own. If you think of any funny stories that have happened in your life they're going to be the things that went wrong. Embrace the learning together. 

13. Time to be a kid. 

Making a mess is natural. Cleaning up is not. It's learned. (Convinced!) They don't know what things do what, so instead of getting angry if they draw on the wall, bring over a piece of paper and just show them. Easels look like walls when you're little, don't you think? How is taking all the books off the shelf different than taking toys off the shelf when you don't know what a book is? Give children lots of time to discover and play (with you nearby when they're young, of course.) Give guidance but let them be creative. In other words, show them how to use glue but let them use the glue on their collage how they want to.

Discovery and play as a child helps with problem solving throughout life. There's a really cool story about how the Jet Propulsion Lab had a group of workers retiring so they went and got the best and the brightest to replace them, only they didn't know how to critically think and solve problems as good as the retirees did. They discovered it's because of how they played as children. The retirees were able to figure out how things work. And if you're a fan of legendary DJ Grand Master Flash like I am, you'll know that he got his start when he a kid and was allowed to take apart an old stereo system. 

14. You know You.

One of the best things you can do for your kid to save them time is guide them to know who they are. When they can express what they like and don't like, and it's respected, the more confident they'll be. For example, if they've eaten and they're full, say "You know your body.” or "You know You."  It pays off in so many decisions in life.

If they say the soup is hot and you don't agree, respect that it's hot for them. 

If they don't want to wear a jacket, don't get angry at them. It's hard for them to imagine that it's cold outside when their body is warm inside. Just bring the jacket along and they can put it on outside if they need it. Also, some people simply run hotter than others. 

15. Who they spend their time with. 

Ask them what makes a good friend at least once a year. As we always say here at Thank You for Not Wasting My Time, so much of life is who you spend your time with, so part of knowing themselves is knowing how to be treated and how not to be treated.

Speaking of who they spend their time with... All they want to do is spend their time with you.

Your child is the biggest fan you’ll ever have.  Everything they do is for your love and attention whether they do it by acting out negatively or positively, they just want time with you. Give them undivided, enjoyed, attention when you spend time together.

There's a lot you demand of your kid (put that away, brush your teeth, come to dinner, eat the broccoli...), so make sure that's not all your relationship is. Otherwise, they'll hunger for connection with you and will be oppositional to your demands. Just hang out with them. Watch them play. Ask about things they like. And please - don't take out your phone. A study was done where just the presence of a phone was disruptive. If you must take a phone out to contact someone, tell your child what you’re doing, who you're calling, or if it's a text, read it to them so they’re not lonely by default.

Do not scroll social media or play a game on a phone with your child present. If you do that, you can't get upset when your child gets agitated. And you can't be surprised when they do the same to you as a teenager because you modeled it and that's what they think is "grown up." Set your relationship up for success and connect with them instead.

Laugh together. 

Enjoy their enthusiasm and meet it with enthusiasm or at least with kindness and appreciation. Encourage their innate sense of humor. Laugh at your own mistakes. (Don't ever mock them or make fun of them.) This is your chance to get some of the joys of childhood back in your life - don't miss it!

16. Parenthood and childhood aren't neighborhoods, they're periods of time.

You'd think all this parenting stuff would come easy because we were once little ourselves. But part of the gift in the way our brains work is that things become automatic once we practice them enough like walking, talking, the alphabet, and getting to know what things do. We don't need to think about it again.

But that also means we forget what it took to get there.

If you don't remember what it was like to be a kid, imagine if right now you got taken to another planet, didn't know the language, or the customs, were in some new form of body and had an alien guide. You'd want information from them, and from everything. It’s also all new, and fascinating what things do, so you'd get busy spending all your time discovering every detail of how things work. You don’t know the difference of what you can touch or not touch. They tell you, but it's a lot to understand because you don't know the purpose of anything. You're not testing them, or trying to upset them, it just doesn't make sense yet. Why wouldn't you splash in a bathtub? Why would you put on your shoes instead of playing? Why do you have to do anything when you don't feel like it just because of this concept called time?

We're their sherpas, to guide them. And as we do that, we get to know ourselves, get clear with our time, and can savor our life-times together.