How to Forgive (Without Letting Anyone Off the Hook)

I always had a problem with the word “forgive”. It puts the burden on the person who was hurt to simply (er- not so simply) forget about what happened. As if they have to just take the high road because somebody has to do it, it might as well be them. As if the forgiver is the martyr and the forgiven is the winner by default.

I’ve heard that it’s important to forgive because you’re the only one walking around with it. I get that in concept in general, but not in reality when whatever happened feels unfair, maddening, and downright wrong. I had a work situation that I couldn’t get over. I’d wake up, go to sleep, and every moment in between be bothered by it. Someone told me I should just forgive it. Let it go. That made no sense. Think about it. In movies or TV shows, when the villain has inflicted pain and fear on the other characters, no audience member is saying: “They should forgive him." Or, "You know, they really should let it go.” No one. In fact, when the Villian goes to jail, audiences feel relief and a sense of justice. What I eventually realized is, forgiveness is a result. It's a result of healing. So stop working so hard to wrangle forgiveness out of yourself before it's ready to happen.

Instead, reframe the word "forgive" so you can get to healing, in a productive way, and save time. FOR-GIVE.

1. For.

The “For” part of “Forgive” is for yourself.  What is it that you actually want in life? If you can be clear on what you want, especially in moments of drama, it will save you a lot of time.

What you want needs to be concrete and doesn't require anything of anyone else. For example, if someone cancelled plans to go out to dinner because they got another offer, you could go down the road of insulted and: "What I want is for so-and-so to stop being an a*hole". Or, you can go down this road: "I really do want to go out to dinner." (And you'll ask a friend, and do that.) Or maybe it's: "I didn't really even want to go out to dinner tonight. I'd rather read my book and eat something yummy at home."

Another example: When a holiday comes up and no one in your dysfunctional family will pick a date, instead of getting stuck in drama of how you wish everyone would handle it differently and how this happens every year, jump to your "for". Simply let everyone know the dates that work for you.

Spend time taking actions to support what you're going for instead of what you're against. Instead of spending time mulling on what someone f**ed up for you, go FORward with recovering. 2. Give. The “Give” part of “Forgive” is giving up the need to change the past. It’s giving up the need to have the other party regret or even understand what they did. This is incredibly challenging. So how do you do that? You focus on your “for”. 3. A Little Self-Compassion Here? I think it’s hard to forgive for some good reasons. For one, the strong physical feeling protects us from letting it ever happen again. Resentment sticks around because the issue seriously disrupted your life and sent you off course. Unfairness is a horrible feeling. What Could Have Been is even worse. Try not to add frustration about your inability to forgive on top of the situation. Just get to your “for”.

(And, ps., not forgiving can be helpful when you're dealing with narcissists and emotionally abusive relationships where you need to stop getting sucked in.)

4. Be Willing To Change the Relationship.

If this is an ongoing relationship, your connection might be drama. I’m saying that drama might be the only way you know to connect. Perhaps you’re looking for more depth than the other person has or wants to give. In this case, keep things simple. If you’re dealing with an instigator, answer them literally (not their agenda but their question) and briefly. Save time.

5. Talk To Someone You Trust.

Sometimes you just gotta vent. Unfairness is unfairness. Kids cry over it all the time. Now you can understand why. We all need a third party to hear our point of view and guide us to recovery.

In fact, I’ve come to realize that recovery is a huge part of life because when you do recover, even with small daily things, you get more freedom with your time. Your emotional time. 

So focus on your “for” because once you cut down on the drama and get to your new goal, it’ll be much easier to forgive anyway.

It’s much easier to forgive an ex when you’ve found a new love, or forgive your old boss when you’ve got a fantastic new job. Recovery is another word for forgiveness. I now for-give the word forgive.