Fear of Public Speaking? Six things you need to know.

There was a time where the most dreaded sentence someone could say to me was, "Let's go around the group and introduce ourselves!" My heart would pound. I'd ask myself: "What if I forget my name?!" Public speaking had so much of an emotional charge, the spotlight on me in a group of five people felt like I was being asked to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

I'd lose myself.

Because of cultural pressure to be more public, I decided that I had to iron this dread-fear out. I joined a public speaking club, called Toastmasters, where you practice public speaking. I committed. I showed up every week (this Chapter was at Columbia University), and I made myself get up in front of the group no matter how terrible it felt. Luckily, it's structured in a way where I could modify my participation level. Every week I learned by practicing and by listening to others when they got up to practice. What started out as dread and anxiety eventually became comfort and excitement.

In fact, the other night, I noticed at my son's Back to School night, I asked questions and introduced myself to the group with no problem. It seemed to have just HAPPENED.

But it didn't just happen overnight. It took some fascinating deep-level experience. It took time that was so well worth it because the process made it long-lasting and changed my trajectory.

Here's what I learned that got me to this point of remembering my name in a group. Ha!

1. Nothing can ruin your speech when you speak from the heart.

I used to think if I made one mistake, or if people could tell I was uncomfortable, they would tune out and make assumptions about me. But by watching others get up to speak, I realized something profound: When you speak from the heart, fear or mistakes don’t undermine what you’re saying. If someone was up there and they said something true, meaningful, or inspiring, it didn't matter if they were nervous.

Instead of spending time with these worries: "I'm afraid what I say will be embarrassing." "I'm afraid what I DO will be embarrassing." "It matters what people think." "It shouldn't matter what people think." Etc., etc., etc... Focus on speaking from your heart.

Fear doesn’t undermine what you're saying when you speak from the heart.

2. There are ways to prepare a speech so it seems effortless. I used to marvel at people who gave off-the-cuff toasts at weddings as if they had just done an acrobatic high wire act. "How do they DO that?! It was so effortless!"  I didn't realize there are many different types of speeches, and there are ways to prepare for every one of 'em. For example, giving a focused speech on a topic is different from hosting, which is different from speaking to the media, giving a commencement speech, an effortless-looking wedding toast, spontaneously in a group, and more. Each one has its own way to rehearse and get comfortable with, and a way to be spontaneous within the structure you create. It’s not a situation where you're either good at public speaking or you're not. You can prepare.

3. You don't have to stop the fear first, you build trust in yourself and the fear quiets.

The fear doesn't go away first, the trust in yourself gets stronger first - and that quiets the fear.

When I first started, I would feel anxiety and dread for a week leading up to the meeting. And then a few minutes before it was my turn, I’d deeply regret it and wonder why I was putting myself through such discomfort. But I’d get up and speak anyway. Afterwards, I’d feel embarrassed and regret everything I said. But, surprisingly, I’d get really supportive feedback where people got something from what I said and pointed out my strengths. That gave me the courage to do it again the next time. 

After a few months, I noticed the dread was gone. I still felt anxiety but it went from seven days before the meeting to two days. Soon after, it went to being only "uncomfortable", and only on that day. Anxiety would hit only minutes before I was going up to speak. Even that changed.

As I was learning how to prepare, I was getting to know what my strengths were that I could rely on no matter what happened - if I forgot what I was going to say, for example. I quit saying to myself, “Why am I doing this to myself?!” and instead would say, “I’ve gotten through it every time so far, I’ll somehow do it again this time.” After a few months of that, I said to myself instead, “Trust yourself.” Then guess what happened?

I actually enjoyed going up to speak and was able to be present instead of just getting through it. The embarrassed inner-voice after, disappeared too. Feelings of accomplishment replaced it, and if someone told me my speaking helped them, made them laugh, or gave them courage to speak, it felt fantastic because it meant there was also purpose and connection. 4. Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with doing a "perfect" speech.

At first, my goal was just to get up in front of the room and not collapse haha. Then my goal was to be more present when I was speaking. Once I mastered that, my goal was to inspire the audience. It went from fear of the light shining on me to excitement of the light shining from me. 

Less focus on the light shining on you. More focus on how it’s shining from you.

5. Show up and practice. One of the best pieces of advice I got was when a member said: "This is where you come to fail." What a flip of perspective. I could try things. That helped me develop my voice that was unique to me and not trying to speak in a "right" way without any mistakes. Recovering from mistakes, incorporating them, was even fun especially if I could make it funny. When I started looking forward to public speaking, it wasn't because I took on the biggest challenge possible and signed up to do a Ted Talk or something, it's because I did a little at a time. I kept showing up, and I kept practicing. You can read more about my approach to overcoming fear gently, here.

6. When you have conviction in what you're saying, the filler words disappear. With each meeting we'd utilize other ways to enhance speaking - besides the content of a speech - like how you use tone in your voice. How to connect with the audience. Hand gestures and body language. We'd become aware of our use of filler words like "um, uh, so, like, sort of." I realized: When you speak with conviction, the filler words naturally fall away.

Also, you don't have to talk fast to keep people's attention. In fact, pausing and slowing down, helps people absorb, feel, and connect.

I wonder: Is public speaking a metaphor to life? Learning to trust ourselves. Having conviction in what we want to say. Becoming aware of what strengths we have and embracing the good things others automatically see in us. Our deep desire to be seen the way we want to be seen (and heard). Practicing. Finding our own voice. Wanting to inspire others. Mistakes being part of the whole thing but not derailing the whole thing and, in fact, making us more human. Coming from the heart.